Not for Me

Not for Me

Snow has melted.
Rivers bloated with run-off.
Sun shines brighter.
People smile with the Warmth of Hope.

Not me.

Spring holds no hope
for me,
no reason ahead.
Flower bloom
their fragrance bland in my nostrils.

Summer lies ahead.
Parties planned,
Graduations celebrated.
Cool waters renew Spirit.

Not for me.

Summer heat
a precursor to the Hell that awaits,
pain of burning Sun,
as taste of torture I face.

Still, it is nothing compared
to the pain I know now.
Loneliness since you left.
Pain since you last held me.
Despair I swim in.

No Hell will be worse than this.

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My Hell

Our Oak Tree

This is/was our oak tree

I was deeply in love with a woman. Well I should say I am deeply in love with a woman. A beautiful, smart, kind woman that lights up the room when she enters. She is my everything. Or, she was my everything. I devoted my life to her. I gave her everything I had. It just wasn’t enough. She taught me more about life than anyone. She taught me more about myself than I care to know. The time with her was the best I have ever had in my life. She made me feel loved, cared for, wanted, even special at times. Life however, has other plans for a soul like mine. She is gone now. I am left alone. I wander through life with no purpose, not knowing my direction, or my destination…not caring. I find myself returning to the places we used to visit together. Not a wise thing, I know, but I know of no other place to go where I can still feel her near me. I remember the times we spent chasing sunsets, and the afternoons under our oak tree. The pain is nearly unbearable but I would not trade a single moment with her for the release of the pain.
I squandered much of the time I had with her. I wasted precious moments fixating on trivial things never thinking that in the blink of an eye she could be gone. The hell I endure now is the hell I created for myself. No one can take it from me unless I choose to give it up. I used to think I knew many things and was certain I knew what was best. Now I know only one thing with any certainty at all. I know that Hell will be a welcome relief from the pain that I feel now.